PETER PAN
The following is an extract the copyright of which
belongs to Geoff Coventry
Smee.
Starkey, you stinkin’ bucket of fish guts !! Be you a-tryin’
to sink us ?
Starkey.
Sorry, Mr Smee.
Smee.
Now then. All we ‘as to do is ‘oist this ‘ere redskin
onto the rock an’ leave ‘er there
to drown when the tide turns.
Both.
Heh, Heh, Heh, Heh !
Wendy.
Peter, do something !
Pan.
I’ll pretend to be Hook ! Watch this !
“ Ahoy there, you lubbers !”
Smee.
Is that you, Captain ?
Pan.
Who else would it be, Smee, you brainless barnacle !
Starkey.
Where are you, Cap’n ? We can’t see you.
Pan.
Never mind that. What are you up to ?
Smee.
Just about to put the redskin on the rock, Cap’n, as you
ordered.
Pan.
Set her free!
Both.
What ??
Pan.
You heard me ! Cut her ropes and let her go.
Smee.
But, Captain .......
Pan.
.....at once, d’you hear ? Or I’ll plunge me hook in you !
Both.
Aye, aye, Cap’n. Whatever y’say, Cap’n.
( they cut her free and she jumps into the lagoon and
is helped ashore by the mermaids. Just then, the real Hook calls from off
SR)
Hook.
Ahoy, there !
Smee.
What now, Cap’n ?
( Hook enters DSR and stands on ‘shoreline’ )
Hook.
I’m miserable, Smee. What are we going to do now those boys
have found a mother ?
Starkey.
What’s a mother ?
Smee. P’raps we could capture ‘er, Cap’n, an’ make ‘er our mother !
Hook.
I know, Smee ! We’ll
capture her and make her our mother !
Smee.
Brilliant, Captain! I
don’t know how you do it !!
Hook.
( looking round )
Smee .... where’s the redskin ?
( Smee and Starkey ‘row’ to Hook )
Smee.
It’s alright, Cap’n. We let ‘er go.
Hook.
Let her go !!!
Starkey.
Has per your instructions just a moment ago, Cap’n.
Hook.
Blood and thunder, you pathetic pair of putrid pirates !!
I gave no such order!
( clambering out beside Hook )
Smee.
But it was your very own voice, Boss.
Hook.
( looking round )
Who’s out there ?
Pan.
I am James Hook, Captain of the Jolly Roger.
( they are all startled )
Hook.
Impostor ! I am James Hook !!
Ask my men, here.
Pan.
Very well ! Who
was it ordered the redskin to be drowned ?
Pirates.
Captain James Hook.
Pan.
And who then ordered that she be released
?
Pirates.
Captain James Hook.
Pan.
Did that order come from the villain standing before you ?
( the pirates look at each other, then at Hook,
shaking their heads )
Smee.
He’s got a point !!
Hook.
Well, if you are James Hook, then who am I ?
Pan.
A codfish !!
Hook.
It must be true ! And
now I shall never get to kill that weasely, cowardly brat, Peter Pan.
Pan.
( leaping out from the bush )
Such a marvellous boy !
Hook. I knew it ! Get him, men !!
Pan.
Lost boys ! ......, Chaaaarge !!
( the pirates move towards the bushes, but when they
see how many boys there are, Smee and Starkey turn and run off DSR )
Hook.
Cowards ! I’m
not afraid !
( Just then the crocodile enters ‘ticking’ USL
and swims across the lagoon towards Hook, who yells ‘HELP’ and runs
after the other two with the croc and everyone else in hot pursuit.)