MOTHER GOOSE
The following is an extract the copyright of which is owned by Geoff Coventry.
Mother.
‘’ Hello Colin, love, how are you?.....Good. Me? I’m fine,
thanks.....and Precious? Oh, I’ve given her away to The
Demon’’..............No, that wont work! (thinks) Something
more dramatic...........’’Oh, Colin, it was terrible! We were attacked
in the woods by a great big horrible giant...pasty , that ate Dumb-ass and
Precious and.........gave me a great pair of legs’’no, that wont work
either!! (notices audience) Oh, hello dears. Didn’t see you there for a minute.
Boy, am I in trouble!
Why do I do it?
Just when everything was going so well, the Devil farts in my face
once more!! Let
me tell you girls, you know it’s going to be a bad day when you put your
bra on backwards...............and it fits!!! I think I’d better go and have a little lie
down or count my frocks or something ...... think up a plausible story.
See you later.
(exits
USL)
(enter
DSR )Colin and Veronique, followed by Polo and Trebor who are holding a
struggling Scum.)
Colin.
Come on, this way. You two hold him there while Veronique and I run
a
bath.
Polo.
But he’s all covered in bacteria!
Veronique.
I know, but it’s the only bit of culture he has!!
Trebor.
I think we’ll need more than just soap and water. Better bring
some Paraffin and red wine.
Polo.
But I don’t drink red wine!
Scum.
Wait! Wait! Hold on a minute! ..... Can I just say something?
(Polo
and Trebor let go)
Scum.
Bye!! (tries to make a run for it but is caught and
dragged back, bawling)
Colin.
It’s no use you kicking up a fuss. Do you want to go back to
Dumas?
(shakes
head)
Colin.
Well if you want to stay with us you’ve got to get cleaned up.
Scum.
But........
Veronique.
I tell you what. Let’s
ask the boys and girls. Should
we give him a
bath?
(YES)
Scum.
Oh no they shouldn’t ! (etc
etc)
Colin.
That settles it then. You lose by 350 to 1.
Scum.
I demand a recount! There
were definitely a couple of smelly-looking ones out there on my side !!
Colin.
Quiet!! Did anybody hear something just
then ?
Polo.
(referring to audience) Only
them snoring
Colin.
I think someone is in here.
They’re coming ! Quick.
Hide !!
(they
scatter and hide behind furniture and even the black curtains just as
Mother enters USL and crosses DC looking around as she says)
Mother.
I could have sworn I heard voices.
(the
others emerge from their hiding places and creep up behind her as she says
to the audience)
Mother.
There doesn’t seem to be anyone here. You will tell me if you see
anybody , wont you?
(look
behind you etc ending with Mother walking around in a big circle to
‘look‘ with the others creeping in a line behind her. She comes back
DC facing the audience with the others in a line US behind her . She looks
to her L, they all lean out to the R. She looks to her R, they lean L.
They then break formation and form a semi-circle around, but a little
behind, her. She turns to go and walks into them, yelling with surprise.)
Mother.
Aaargh !!
Polo/Trebor.
Aaargh !!
+Scum.
Colin.
Got you !!
Veronique.
What are you doing here ?
Mother.
I live here.
Colin.
Who are you ?
Mother.
I’m your mother.
Polo.
What’s the capital of Venezuela
Mother.
Can I ask the audience ?
Colin.
My mother !!! You must think I’m crackers
Polo.
Correct !!
Trebor.
What ?
Polo.
The capital of Venezuela is Carackers !!!
Trebor.
Polo ?
Polo.
Yes
All.
Shut up !!